Several months ago, I realized one of the dearest relationships in my life was abusive. I fought to save the relationship like I believe many couples do. Except my relationship was not with a spouse. It was with my identical twin. He is a person I have been close to since before we were born. This unique bond motivated me to find a way to negotiate my values and find a way to maintain the relationship, until finally I realized that despite being my identical twin, it was abuse, and the abuse would continue no matter what I did. What will follow is a series of posts sharing personal anecdotes and reflections on some of the insights I have gained by reading the book, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Several times, those I love that are still close to both of us have urged me to reconcile. Most notably, our father. Despite previously coming to me with the same concern that perhaps the family should intervene and perhaps stem the tide of abuse, he later urged me to reconcile for the sake of keeping the relationship. The experience must be difficult for him, as well as the rest of my family. I told him I respect his need to remain close to his family, but for me the same sacrifices would promote an unhealthy relationship and an unhealthy life. No matter how I may agree to disagree with how my brother treats other people, it is the abuse present in our relationship that at the end of the day is a deal-breaker. This wasn't a normal relationship with problems anyone can expect to have. We did not encounter one incident that I am unwilling to look past. Normal relationships require negotiations. You can expect perpetual problems that will never be solved, only approached differently. In such cases, I think Choice Theory is a great vehicle for relationship dynamics. It's important for both people to realize they play a part in the success or failure of the relationship.
Such is not the case in an abusive relationship. No one does anything to deserve to be abused. The problem with abusers in the first place is not a question of circumstances but a problem of attitudes and values. There isn't much you can do to stop an abuser from abusing you. They will find a reason to continue their behavior, and no amount of negotiating or different approaches will change this until the abuser is willing to acknowledge what they do is abusive, then change their behavior.
The hardest part, I believe, is not falling into the abuser's frame of reality. It's easy to believe what they are doing isn't abuse. It's easy to believe whatever they are doing is something that could have been avoided if you had just done what they wanted, what they needed. It's easy to believe your pain is all your fault, the result of some vast misunderstanding on your part.
As a personal example, let me offer: There was no misunderstanding when, after years of abuse, I informed my brother I felt our values were too far apart for us to be close or interact unless necessary (including having that conversation; he wanted to respond, but the time for discussion was long past and I feared would only bring more abuse) he came back the next day to inform me he was moving out and taking the utilities with him, leaving me a week to find a new place to live. When I asked him to negotiate considering the difficulty that put me in, his response was, "You decided to create this problem. If YOU want to do something about it, we can talk. Otherwise, I guess YOU have some choices to make."
Everyone has abusive behaviors. What matters is when a person develops abusive patterns. As Lundy Bancroft says, "It's true that almost everyone does yell at one point or another in a relationship, and most people, male or female, call their partners a name from time to time, interrupt, or act selfish or insensitive. These behaviors are hurtful and worthy of criticism, but they aren't all abuse, and they don't all have the same psychological effects that abuse does. At the same time, all of these behaviors are abusive when they are part of a pattern of abuse." Hobbit, a harsh critic of anyone that has not done their research, remarks she likes that the author distinguishes between abusive events and abusive patterns.
Lundy offers this questionnaire to help determine if you are being abused:
Are you afraid of him?
Are you getting distant from friends or family because he makes those relationships difficult?
Is your level of energy and motivation declining, or do you feel depressed?
Is your self-opinion declining, so that you are always fighting to be good enough and to prove yourself?
Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it?
Do you feel like you can't do anything right?
Do you feel like the problems in your relationship are all your fault?
Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling like you've been messed with but can't figure out exactly why?
That's all for now. Next time, I will examine the difficult question of why an abuser almost never considers what they do abusive.
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