Reflections on Abuse part 2

It seemed unreal to me that abusers are often so unaware of how they treat others, but Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, offers an explanation why.

Abuse comes from attitudes and values. For whatever reason, a person's sense of entitlement grows out of proportion. While some people may have strong impulses, such as a short fuse or high sex drive, these emotions only motivate us to make decisions. At the end of the day, however, our actions are our choice.

When our actions conflict with our attitudes and values, we feel frustration and seek to either alter the very way we approach our decisions, or we alter our choices so they more closely align with our values.

Because abuse stems from attitudes and values, the abuser almost never stops to think what they are doing is abusive. They feel entitled to come first, to say what they must because you have crossed the line, to treat you in whatever way they feel is appropriate, no matter how abusive, because to them it is the right thing to do.

Considering the abuse I suffered from my brother for the last couple of years, and how much worse it became in the months leading up to me extricating myself from the relationship, I had to wonder why some people, like my father, could suggest the onus was in any way on me to resolve the relationship. He recognized the abuse, had even come to me over the last year to ask for help with similar experiences, but from time to time still asserted that for family, you should just accept them. Perhaps, he suggested, I should be the bigger man and take it upon myself to resolve the conflict.

So why do those outside the relationship often fail to recognize the abuse? And here's the big question: Why don't abusers recognize what they do is abuse?

Because abusive people are generally not abusive to everyone in their lives. They are abusive to specific people, such that to most of the world, they are often perceived as successful, charming people. Even if they are perceived as jerkish, no one suspects the abuse that person doles out to the select few. Least of all, the abuser!

Why would they stop to think they are so cruel to one person when they receive positive reinforcement from the majority of their social circle?

Not to mention, our society in general rewards people for aggressive, manipulative behavior, as long as one does not cross the line that leads to legal action. Even then, exhaustive research shows that most abusers forced to go through an abuser program do not rehabilitate. They truly believe they have the best intentions and for the most part are misunderstood by anyone that would call them abusive.

An abusive relationship is different than a normal relationship. In general, two people can expect to have problems, and it's necessary to have a give and take to balance some of their contrary behaviors and values. Sometimes, we get what we ask for, and it's up to us to change, or at least find a new way of approaching the one we love. We can not change the person we love. We can only discuss with them what is important to us and allow them to choose what to do with that information. (This is at the heart of Choice Theory, a therapy and philosophy that revolutionized how I approach people.)

This is not so in an abusive relationship. In fact, learning to accommodate an abuser only furthers the abuse. With every apology for infuriating them, for not giving them what they need, for doing whatever they decided was enough for them to choose to cross the line, we justify the abuser's behavior. In my experience, there isn't anything you can do to please an abuser. They are going to find a reason to continue to abuse you.

As Lundy Bancroft says in his stellar book Why Does He Do That?, "You do not cause your partner's slide into abusiveness, and you cannot stop it by figuring out what is bothering him or by increasing your ability to meet his needs. Emotional upset and unmet needs have little to do with abusiveness."


It's easy to buy into the abuser's reality and believe it's you causing their behavior, but that's a big mistake that will lead to compromise after compromise that will do no good, and ultimately does not benefit your relationship. Because your efforts will 1) not be reciprocated 2) won't stop the abuse anyway.


Next, a look into the different kinds of abusers and their core attitudes, such as the Water Torturer, an abuser that believes: "As long as I am calm and rational, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how mean or cruel."