Cold-reads

Some of us are naturals when it comes to meeting new people. But none of us are not when it comes to developing relationships. Thankfully, Tyler Durden, Real Social Dynamics guru, has done much of the theory work for us. You can view a video montage of his seminars at:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkXDloQ4HWk

One theory he suggests to meet people is to cold-read. This is fun even with people you know. Psychics use this technique often to convince people they really are psychic. You take an obvious fact observed early on about someone and turn it into a broad generalization that could fit anyone but comes across as genuinely insightful.

For example, you meet someone shy. You observe, "You know, I bet a lot of people think you are shy. But they don't realize you have strong opinions and are just waiting to assess the situation before you speak your mind."

Don't be a charlatan. The trick is to be playful. The trick is to be genuine. The trick is to be real.

Listening to one of Tyler Durden's seminars on the long drive back from seeing my fiancee, I got to thinking: could this technique also be used to dissolve a set gone wrong?

You see, several months ago, Stillness and I went to a local bar. After several successful introductions and conversations with total strangers, I came across the final set of the night.

It did not end well.

I caught this girl's outfit from the corner of my eye and turned to comment on it. In retrospect, much of my behavior crosses the line between playful and pompous.

"Hey, I love that dress!"

Smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah! I've been all over town today and I've seen several girls wearing a dress just like that."

The smile disappears. "Oh..."

"Hey, I'm kidding, it looks great. Where did you get it?"

Smiles again. "Target!"

"Oh yeah? I buy lots of my clothes at Target."

"Yeah, I try not to. Aren't they owned by Russians? I think they're communists."

"Uh... I think they're owned by Jews, actually (can anyone clarify this?), but maybe it's all the same. Here, let me look at your dress."

I extend my hand. She steps out of the booth and takes my hand. I lead her into the bar floor, spin around, and sit in her seat. Immediately, I ignore her and act like I am in midconversation with her friend.

The girl in the dress just stares at me, starts to laugh.

I stop my pseudo-conversation with her friend and look up at her.

"Oh, hello. Is there some reason you came over here?"

We laugh. I scoot over and tell her, "Come on, have your seat back."

Now, to anyone passing by, it looks as though we are indeed a cozy three piece of delightful friendship.

We fly through some fun pieces of conversation, but here I think I missed an integral piece of the interaction. Perhaps you've noticed it.

I did not pay very much attention to the friend.

The friend interupts the conversation by stating, "Listen, I don't know if this is why you came over here, but in case it is, you ought to know she is in a very serious relationship."

I never recovered after this. I told them I also am in a serious relationship. Hell, Stillness and I had just come from the mall where I had the engagement ring inspected for warranty renewal. The ring was still in my pocket!

I have asked several friends if they think it is even possible to recover from this. The almost unanimous opinion is you often must walk away. There is no recovery.

But hearing about cold-reading, I think I may have hit on a solution.

In response to her comment, make a powerful observation about her personality.

"You know, I bet a lot of people think you're cold and a little bit of a bitch. But I bet you really care about your friend and just want to protect her. You don't care what anyone thinks about you if it means protecting the people you care about."

I intend to field test this technique asap.