Well, that depends. Do you masturbate a lot?

I discovered an odd bump on my hand. My hands have been through some wear and tear, and the internet informed me this thing could be latent scar tissue.

Seems like ever since I opted for medical insurance, I use it more and more often. So, rather than sit around wondering what this thing was, if indeed it was scar tissue or some new form of cancer they could name after me, I went to the local clinic.

The doc took a look and said, "Yeah, that's a wart."

I see. "Listen," I said. "I've never had a wart before. Is it possible to transfer one to the rest of my body?"

"Well, that depends. Do you masturbate a lot?"

Not since they replaced Jennifer Connelly in the new Hulk movie. Keep Ed Norton, he'll rock. But though I love Liv Tyler, Jen has been my gal since Labyrinth.

Then again, this guy can't seem to keep his hands off himself, and look who he's sitting with.

The doc said it could take a while, up to 3 years, to disappear on its own, unless I opted for the liquid nitro treatment.

A nurse brought in a styrofoam cup of liquid nitro. The doctor scraped as much of my hand away with an exacto knife as possible, then grabbed a q-tip, dipped it into the nitro, and dug it deep into my hand.

I have never felt such an odd, invading sense of pain.

To top it off, while the doc worked on me, the liquid nitro began to eat through the cup!

"Oh, heh," he said. "Guess that means it's time to stop."