I need to jump ahead with a confession: I love my brother. I miss him. Yesterday, someone asked me what it would take for me to consider talking to him again.
We were close for most of our lives. I think twins have such a core connection built since their time in the womb that I may never be free of some pang of loss. Even after the abuse started, I still cherished the time with him. He can be very charming, witty, and good-natured. It's not like everything he did was painful, and it's not as though he is abusive to everyone he knows. In many cases, quite the reverse. You only have to take a passing glance at him to see his aspirations for philanthropy.
Do I even want to talk to him anymore? It's like any other abusive relationship. In the beginning, I knew I loved him, I missed him, and I thought often about the good times we had shared. I yearned to go reclaim that relationship. But as time has gone on, I realize he is no longer the person I knew.
What would it take for me to talk to him? To be honest, I have only a couple of things in mind. Beyond that? It's hard to conceptualize any specifics, and for the most part I don't think that would be fair.
I don't expect him to reach out to me. After all, it was me that sent him a message saying, "Don't call, don't write, don't txt."
So what am I looking for?
Well, let's start with what I feel is the fundamental problem.
Far from admitting he was wrong, he hasn't even acknowledged the situation. I felt abused so consistently I felt no other option but to end the relationship.
Hearing about his journey as a philanthropist just makes it all the more frustrating! Stating his life has been one long string of successes just doesn't acknowledge his own brother felt so mistreated his brother cut off the relationship.
Once we got past that, the problem wouldn't be solved. Just hearing something like, "I'm not sure why you feel so hurt, but I love you, let's figure this thing out" would perhaps indicate we could move forward and discuss how to prevent the abuse from happening again.
How do we prevent that? Lundy Bancroft, in Why Does He Do That?, gives a few suggestions.
(These are just a few I feel are relevant. For more information, please check out the book.)
1) He can't change if he is continuing to cover up, to others or to himself, important parts of what he has done.
2) Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally.
3) Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control.
4) Recognize the effect the abuse has had on you.
5) Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes.
6) Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping.
7) Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his improvement.
8) Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a life-time process.
9) Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future.
He also offers this questionaire I think proves telling for the the state of our relationship when it ended. It's important to note this questionaire is specific to OUR relationship, not his relationship or my relationship with anyone else.
1) Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?
No.
2) Is he accepting your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?
No.
3) Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know where you are and whom you are with?
Yes LOL not really relevant...
4) Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including not using your behavior as an excuse for his?
No.
5) Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?
About sex, no, but I think this accurately describes his manipulation tactics.
6) Does he listen to your side of arguments without interrupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughtfully to your points, even if he doesn't see them?
Sometimes. More often, I felt ignored or evaded. It was hard to have a specific conversation involving concerns about him without him giving vague, general answers or apologies, or just redirecting the conversation.
7) Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?
No. You need only look at my 2week notice to get out or be prepared to live without utilities to see this.
8) Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge that he used it to control you?
No.
9) Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them?
No.
10) Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his use of controlling behaviors during conversation and arguments?
No.
11) When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?
No.
12) Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to be constantly reminded?
So far, not even a simple acknowledgement.
13) Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self-centered?
No.
14) Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep your own assets in your own name?
That depends. Would you consider the utilities at an apartment an asset? If not, then yes. If so, then no.
15) Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?
Up until I asked him to cease all communication, quite the reverse.
16) Has he begun supporting your strengths instead of undermining them?
Yes and no. I think he's made it to integral a part of his identity to encourage other peoples strengths to give a direct no to this question, and I would be lying if I didn't say I often felt encouraged by him. I give a yes, though, because if we were talking about him, it felt more like he was looking for specific answers and was going to put me down for whatever he didn't feel matched this image of a good-natured philanthropist.
17)Have you had any major arguments with him in which he has shown a new willingness to conduct himself nonabusively?
No.
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